people can change, but they usually don't

That's pretty much all I have to say today. The flaws we die with are probably pretty much the same ones we were born with. Intrinsic motivation is hard to come by. Other grumpy things.

until I'm grateful

I'm tired. Nay, exhausted. The past 4 months have been some of the hardest of my life. I should clarify. I've had plenty other periods of time that were hard in a bad way. Meaning I caused the difficulties myself or nothing obviously good came out of them. But as far as times that are hard in a good way, as in what people are referring to when they say they are thankful for their trials, this is has been the biggest challenge. And I think that's saying something since it's being ranked against that time I fell off a cliff.

I moved to a new city by myself where people drive like maniacs and the mugginess gives me the appearance of constantly having stepped out of a swimming pool. I started a new job with my company, without much precedent to rely on. Not only did I have to do that new job, but I had to prove that I was qualified to a group of people who were not shy about expressing their doubt in me. And each day relentlessly seems to present its own new, unique challenge. Like I said, it's exhausting.

UNTIL. Until I remember to express my gratitude to my Heavenly Father. Then I realize that what I'm going through is actually easy because he's on my side. And that my blessings far outweigh my challenges. I'm generally healthy, I have an amazing family who supports me, I have a great place to live, I have more friends already than I had when I moved, I have a fantastic ward, and plenty of food to eat and money to pay my bills. I live right next to the ocean. I work in this amazing library with some beautiful collections of books. I get free access into several of Boston's finest museums and I'm living in a place drenched with history. I live 40 minutes away from Boston, of all places (as well as Walden pond :). I have access to every hope and opportunity I could ever desire through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and through the challenges I'm facing I've already learned so much that I could not have learned otherwise.

Hey look, I guess I'm one of those people who say they are thankful for their trials after all.

something exciting

This is like when you suddenly find yourself overflowing with motivation, and you go to the gym twice in one day knowing from past experience that means you probably won't go back for a good two weeks or so after that.

But I found something interesting and I want to share. I was googling my name to see if this blog showed up as a result, because I want it to keep it on the DL for the time being. (It didn't, by the way). However, something else did--something exciting. Remember that previous blog I spoke about oh, twenty minutes ago? Well, it was created more than two years ago because I was putting up my first art show and felt like I needed an online presence associated with it.

What I discovered while googling myself tonight is that someone wrote about said show on their blog, two years ago when it was exhibited, and I only have just now seen it. If this were the first time I'd googled my name in the past two years, I'd be less surprised that I'd missed it. But without revealing how often I obsessively search for myself on the internet...let's just say I was surprised.

And happy. This person had made a personal connection with my artwork, and then took the time to write about it it. Not to mention that he complimented the paintings, which is always a nice feeling.

If it weren't so late at night, I would elaborate on why it means so much as humans when we make one such anonymous-ish connection. As it is, I will simply acknowledge that it's remarkable that the knowledge that what I painted meant something to one person, two years ago, for a few minutes, gives me such a feeling of worth, hope, and motivation to "pay it forward."

Is it possible that some of these positive feelings come from the fact that the blog is written by an insightful, attractive young man? Hard to say :)

a new chapter, a new blog

"I believe that men are generally still a little afraid of the dark, though the witches are all hung, and Christianity and candles have been introduced." --Henry David Thoreau, Walden.

I've always liked that quote, but now that I'm living in Salem, Mass., and probably because I just visited Walden Pond, it seemed like a fitting title for this blog. Not to mention that I actually am still afraid of the dark.

This blog may be evidence that I'm vain enough to believe you need to know what I think, but in reality I'm vain enough to believe I'm creating it only because I need a way to track and maintain my sanity levels. I have another blog still floating around on the interwebs, but if you find it you will notice that it has been a significantly long time since I posted anything on it, and the purpose of its creation is not relevant to my current circumstances. So here I am...back on blogger--new, and if not improved, at least a little more jaded.